You'll never be happy if you won't let yourself be. So stop complaining about how life fucks you over at all times and start enjoying the things you do have. You can't be happy if you don't put a little effort in.

And I can't be happy with you constantly being an Eeyore!

It started as a joke. Having some fun. I constantly yell at him through Bree, so why not talk to him now? That was how it started. We talked. We joked. And it turned out that he really thought I hated him.

Then we actually sat down and talked. And he told me things. He let me in. He looked in my eyes and I saw the pain that he goes through. I saw how people think his life is all glamour and the ice melted. I can honestly say that he made a piece of my wall crumble in just one weekend. And now that no one has heard from him in a couple of weeks, I'm worried.

I feel like I shouldn't be suddenly attached to him. I think it's that he let me in. He's notoriously private and he let me in. And at a time when even I feel alone, it meant something to me. I shouldn't have been so cold shouldered to him. But he does have a reputation...

So what do I do? How do I find out if he's alright? Or do I just let go?

Bear with me. This is just a bunch of random thoughts I've been having lately. I don't know why either. I think it's just the doldrums. Who knows... I did not mean for this to be depressing. Just cleansing.

- I'm hovering somewhere between "I'm not good enough for anyone" and "No one is good enough for me"

- I'm not passionate enough. I have no true favorites. There is nothing in my life I couldn't live without and I have no desire to work hard enough for anything.

- Why do I always have to look at everything from an outside perspective? For once I want to be biased.

- There is way too much to do in this world and I want to do it all. Why can't I ever choose just one thing?

- I want to be remembered for something good. I want them to know my name.

- Sometimes I want bad things to happen to me. Just to experience it. Just so that when someone says they had a bad day... I can understand instead of getting frustrated.

- I want to get into a fight. I don't even care if I lose.

- I have a bigger emotional response to music than I do to anything that happens in my "real" life.

- I'm scared. And I don't know what I'm afraid of.

- My dad subconsciously taught me complacency and I'm extremely angry at him for it.

- I truly believe that I used to be more intuitive than most people. However the stress and rigid lifestyle of the Marine Corps took it all away. It's hard for me to feel out a situation anymore.

- I get deja vous more than most people. And I don't think it's a good thing.

- I don't think I've ever mentally matured over the age of 17.

- I have no real goals. I have no real heroes. The closest thing I have to a hero is Nate Hardy. And it took his death to realize and appreciate the affect he had on my life. For that I am sorry. I would give anything to be able to visit his grave on Feb 4. It's the day he died and I feel like I owe it to him.

- I need reassurance and I hate it. I want to have an impact on someone's life and know it.

- I don't ever want to be normal. I don't want a family. I don't want a 9-5 job. I don't want to settle in one place to live and die. I'm already bored of this place. And if I moved anywhere else, I'd be bored of it in less than 5 years.

- I have never made a decision completely by myself. My decisions have always been based on the opinions of other people. Either to make them happy or to piss them off.

- One of my friends has serious control issues and I don't have the patience to put up with it anymore. I cannot focus on the reasons that we are friends anymore. I can't see past the things that piss me off.

- I hate confrontation and would rather deal with my inner demons than tell someone that I can't handle them anymore.

- My parents put me through therapy for 2 years because they thought that I had ADD or some other disorder. It was one of the most embarrassing times of my life and did nothing.

- I don't think I belong here....

Well, I found this while looking through old papers at my dad's. I wrote this on a scrap of paper ages ago, I just don't remember how many....


     A blur of memories as I try to remember what I've done to deserve this. It's not good and it's not bad. It's just the same all the time. My life is a flat-line of things I've never tried to change. And even when I do, something gets in my way and I can't seem to pull myself back. So once again I push down the tears and pretend that their words don't hurt. Pretend my past was different. Pretend that the things they said back then doesn't affect the way I treat people now. I've been lying to myself and I've been lying to them. Maybe someday I'll stop pretending. Maybe someday someone will be able to see past this tough girl exterior. Or maybe they already do. The question is, do they care enough to try to break through?

I like some of it. It's very true. But dang I was a very pessimistic and dark child....

I am officially registered for the Tampa Bay Gaspirilla Marathon.  So no more slacking!

I have to improve how I eat and drink more water. Tomorrow I'm going to Fleet Feet to get a good pair of running shoes. And Saturday is my 13 mile run. I used to run the Asilomar, which was 11 miles. I can run 13 no problem... Well, okay. Maybe slight problem.  But I'm going to do it anyway.

My reward for completing the marathon will be my new tattoo.  So I'm gonna need encouragement! And maybe telling me I'm crazy once in a while.

I also began my application to University of Kentucky. However, the shoddy internet is killing me. I have to go back and look up grades and GPAs and crap. Thank God that DLI is considered a college to them. My grades were much better there than they were at Andover.


Okay, off to bed with me. Gonna read more of my book. Gotta finish by Tuesday. I want to have a new one to read when I'm on the plane on my way to make snow angels in Portland.

I'm totally going through my pop cds and listening to all of them. NSync, Take That, BB Mak, Backstreet Boys.  Yeah, that's right. I still have them. I even have Britney Spears.

I told Jen that we must have an NSync night.  I think we shall do that after the New Year.

And Tina and I will have a MMC night when I go home for Christmas. Oh how I love reliving my teeny-bopper days.  "I coo' just like JC!"

So I went out to see Bree. We were supposed to do all this work, and go to the Daytona Tire Test. Totally didn't happen. We got a little bit of work done on the first day but after that we were so lazy.

She brought me to Arlington to visit Nate's grave. I was 5 graves away and I started shaking. I hadn't even seen his name yet. I tried so hard not to cry but I just couldn't stop it. There was a marine funeral going on at the same time not far away. When they did the 21 gun salute, I started crying harder.

It was good to have some of the talks with Bree that we had. I have a ton of respect for her. And I don't like her sister. At all.

When I got back, found out that Amanda's mom is having problems again. So we drove up to Iowa on Saturday instead of me driving to Augusta to see the other Amanda, the other Clint and the other Blake.  We had a good time. She is definitely from a small town though. And it kept me from getting my Christmas shopping done. So now I'm way behind. I don't know if everything will show up on time. God I hope so!

I've committed to running a marathon. But things keep coming up and my long runs keep getting pushed back. I don't know if I'm going to be up to par for it, and I don't want to disappoint Kim completely.

I still have no job. I got laid off the day before I left for Spain and still no job... GRRRR!

Did I mention that Spain was AMAZING? Minus the flight problems, losing our luggage, and dealing with the Austrian Tweedle Dee.  I'd like to go back, but I don't like being only able to sit in my spot in the grandstands. That's kinda bunk.

So my update is complete... No epiphanies to report this time. Maybe after I finish my Lance Armstrong book. He's quite inspiring. I love him!

SWAIN, JAMES ERIC
LCPL US Marine Corps
Date of Birth: 08/17/1984
Date of Death: 11/15/2004
Buried at: Galveston Cemetery



We visited, since it was the 4 year anniversary of when he was killed. I didn't know him.  Not really.  I knew him as another guy in 1st Platoon at DLI.  Amanda was good friends with him though, and I promised I'd go with her.


I may not have known him, but seeing his grave, the date of birth, the date of death, the Marine Corps flag, knowing that he was one of us... That was hard. It hit so close to home.  He was so young.  Too young.  I did good though. Tears stung my eyes.  More than stung, actually.  But I couldn't cry. It was the same when Tim died. Don't cry. Not time to be the weak one. Be strong for your friend.

I shook though. I was shivering. It was a little chilly, but I was shaking violently. I don't know why. I really wasn't that cold.

When we got home I looked up Nate.  Turns out he's buried at Arlington.  If I make it out to see Bree, I'm going. Unfortunately that means it's going to hit closer to home. Nate was a friend. I saw him less than 2 weeks before he died.  I knew what was happening... It was different. It was hard.  I could have done something....

Life is pulling me in 8,000 different directions right now emotionally. The problem isn't that it's too much for me. The problem is that I want more!  I've got to be a masochist.

I've got friends having issues with men, the VA, jobs, etc.  And I can't help. I hate not being able to help.  I have my own problems. Especially the job thing. I have the prospective "jobs" but I don't know what the hell is going on. The sponsor deal and the Shoei deal is all through someone that is having her own problems right now. But I can't just sit around and wait. So do I send my resume to Sean and move to Virginia? Or do I stick around here and go to school and just HOPE that things get better?

I have to finish my application for UK.  I have to finish signing up for classes at JCC.  I have to get going with the sponsors for On The Throttle. I have to find a real job.  I have to figure out a way to get my photography going. Hell, I have to get better at photography.  I have to kick my ass in gear for the marathon.

Bring on more!!!!  I like it! I hate monotony. It drives me crazy. Give me change. Give me excitement. Give me pain and frustration.  Just take away the boredom!